I'm really, really pissed off right now and horribly embarassed.

so I got sent on an assignment for the yearbook to take pictures of a special Candle Lighting Ceremony that Campus Ministry has.  I get there and start taking pictures, and it ends up being a freaking memorial service for everyone who passed away in the last year.  So we had sobbing people in attendence in the audience, and there I was taking pictures like an asshole!  I called theEditor! right away and gave him a peice of my mind about that!  Let me tell you!

Other than that my day wasn't too bad.  I feel like a fat ass because I weighed myself, but otherwise,  I had a good day.

Mom made me pot roast for my birthday dinner and then I had funfetti cake with pink icing! <3  I love my mommy!

MySister got me pearl necklace and earring set which I adore!  <3

I can't believe that in just a few short hours I will be 21.  And the thing is, I kind of want to do something fun and special and commemorate it, but I know that I won't be able to...

I wish I was more popular sometimes..or that I was more exciting, but I know that I'm not.  Its actually really depressing when I think too much about it.  I just hope that I'm not all alone tomorrow.  I don't think that there would be anything worse than being alone on my birthday...

I wonder if F is even going to call.

I'm really trying to make the best of today.  I feel like no matter what I do though, it won't be okay.  I'm really trying positive thinking because I don't want to go through today thinking that its going to completely suck, but its so difficult to not think like that.

I had an advisement meeting earlier and I was pretty bummed that I can't take the classes that I want because my advisor thinks that she has a better idea.  Fine then.  I'll do her idea.  I don't want to take science.  I don't want to collect bugs.  I don't want to do it!

Ugh!  Now I'm whining and throwing a tantrum.  I'm actually pretty hungry right now.  I should go and grab something to eat! 

I'm working on my paper for American Realists right now.  I have almost two full pages, which kind of sucks since I started with a page and a few sentences.  I'm not in a rut, I'm just having a lot of trouble getting the words to come and flow the way that I want them to. 

I need to focus on my schoolwork and ignore the fact that I may be fighting with my roommate who I love dearly...and just get on with it.  I have other friends, right?  I do.

QuietEnglishGirl gives good advice.  I appreciate her friendship.

"Sometimes I wonder if the world is run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it."
--Samuel L. Clemmens

So, MyMegan is upset with me.  I accidentally slammed TheTurtle...I really didn't even mean to do it.

HistoryBoy came over tonight, since I was pretty upset about MyMegan.  I really hope that she gets over being mad.  I need to learn when to keep my mouth shut anymore.

MB came down too.  I'm glad that she's around these days.

I should really be working on a paper or sleeping.  I should pray tonight for my friends and family, and most expecially that MyMegan stops being upset with me soon.

So, after a long absence I am back..  And now in a brand new college apartment!  (well new to me at least!)

I love this apartment!  It is the perfect size for me and my two roomies.  MyMegan and I are really having a blast!  We bought Van Gough posters to hang in the living room and throughout the apartment, which is nice, especially because I'm really loving the fact that we have our OWN place!  We made dinner for the last two nights.  The other night it was hot ham and cheese with onion and a big bowl of tomato soup on the side.  Last night we enjoyed a delicious meal of sloppy joe's, corn and a salad.  mmmm I love food.  And everything seems to taste so much better in the apartment that we have.

I haven't spent too much time with CheerGirl yet, but I was thinking that she might be okay.  Even though she has all of the fixings for a wild party...jello shot materials, pong cups, red cups, drink mixes and even some booze.  It annoys me a little bit that she hasn't taken too much of an interest in the place, but I guess its more mine and MyMegan's apartment than anything else.

F is back at school and I really miss him.  I have been trying to have fun and to give him space.  Last night when we talked on the phone, it felt very awkward and I felt bad, like somehthing was off, so I asked him about it and he started saying that it feels like I"m an ocean away and not an hour.  I thought he was trying to tell me that our it's complicated wasn't working out for him, and was cutting me loose, so I was a little bit upset, but after he explained a little more, he said that he just really misses me and wishes that he could have the time to come home to see me.  That made me feel a lot better.  I just hope that he wasn't lying to me about it.  I wish that he could come home.

K, TheTurtle, and LittleOne come back today.  I'm actually not looking forward to the first two.  I can't wait to see LittleOne again, she's such a sweetheart!  But I know that when TheTurtle gets back, I'm not going to get to see MyMegan at all.  She kind of loses herself and all track of time when he's around. :(  And I'm not really sure that I'm excited to see K, as things were a little awkward last time and now I'm involved with F again and I don't think that K is still interested, but I don't want to be his convient cuddle and make out buddy.

I spent a good chunk of time in the chapel, with and without MB getting all of the CCR stuff organized a little bit.  I spent three hours making photocopies, but it got me into the director's good graces which is a def. plus.

I can't wait for classes to start.  I'm really looking forward to starting the semester. :)

Even though some things have me really stressed already, like church stuff, I am pretty pumped for the next week to go by and get into class!

I feel better now.  I talked to F and things seem to be better, maybe?

Its very complicated and confusing.  I don't feel very well, I think my swimmer's ear has advanced to a full blown infection.

I have to finish my papers today, I really do.  And I have to help my mom.  And I have to clean my room and my bathroom so people can come and I'm just really not in the mood to do anything but curl up with a cup of tea and a good book.  I should find some books.

I just busted my tea bag :(

Oh well.  I am really looking forward to going back to school and being away from people again, if that makes any sense.  It will be nice to have my own space again and really nice to be able to just kick back and relax.  That sounds dumb I'm sure, but whatever.

I feel better now that I have made up with Bridezilla.  She seems to be much smarter and more grounded these days.  I miss MyMegan and can't wait to go home to my college friends, but I know that I'm going to really miss F and whatever it is that we have between us right now.  Its mixed and complicated. 

I am participating in the Draco/Ginny Last Drabble writer standing challenge however.  I'm pretty pumped for that.  It starts right before finals for my summer classes.  I'm looking forward to trying at writing again. :)

Happy Birthday J.K. Rowling and Harry Potter!

A person from your past might be holding you back from enjoying your present -- or rather, the memories of this person are keeping you from moving forward. Are you stuck in the past? Yes, it's important to understand how old relationships or old choices can affect you today, but you could run the risk of getting stuck in nostalgia. Not much can get done when all you do is compare your current life to the life you used to have. Put away the photo albums and decide to live your life walking forward.

I hate how accurate horoscopes are sometimes.

Things with F have been absolutely wonderful, until last night, that is.  I have never felt worse in my life.

Now things have completely fallen apart and he's gone again.

What does moving forward mean?  I don't know what to do or what I'm doing.  My heart is broken again.  I hate being alive right now.
 

If there is one thing that I have learned this summer, it is that I shouldn't put assignments off to the last minute.  I have written three papers today and worked on an extra credit assignment and tomorrow I have to finish the extra credit assignment and write three to four more papers.  The next day I have another three papers to write too.  I am not enjoying this summer.

I love hanging out with F again.  I love him so much it's not even funny.  We've been together but not together.  I'm really going to miss him when he goes back, but we'll be okay and even better.

I met F and we talked Saturday night.  He was very upset with the e-mail.  We talked and I just felt horrible because I love him and I made him feel bad.  The only positive thing, if you can call it that, is that he sees now. And he claims to understand at last.  He is at the beach with BFSnatcher right now.  It is really breaking my heart to think of it, but he has texted me to tell me that he has been thinking about me a lot and wishes that I was there with him.

In brighter and happier news, I get to kidnap MyMegan this weekend!  I'm so excited, its not even funny.  I am picking her up on Friday and she's staying either until Sunday or Monday.  I just have to remember to take off work on Sunday!  Yay!

I'm really excited about her coming.  The only thing that gets slightly pushed back is my trip to see Harry Potter with my family.  We'll have to go another time. :(

Tomorrow I don't have work.  In addition to homework, I'll be cleaning for Megan's visit.  I have so much to do this week and really not a whole lot of time.

Time to go get ready for work.  After, I just rush out and go right to my night class. I'll have to study while I wait...maybe I'll bring a sandwich to eat for dinner. ... hmmm...

1. 
   Scorpio (10/23-11/21)

   If there's any way at all for you to pull a disappearing act, this would be a fine time to do it -- especially if you have a partner in crime to hibernate with, which you most certainly do. You don't have to advertise it either. You know exactly who to call. You're in the mood for secrets, mysteries and the kind of people who are as tough to crack as a safe without a combination.

I absolutely love how my horoscope is always so accurate.  I do get to disappear tonight with the family, sister, and JLo!

Thank you my.yahoo.

I really should get moving.  Work soon and all.

We leave tonight for Kentucky.  I have not packed yet. 

I met F for coffee on Tuesday night when I got out of class.   I probably shouldn't have.  I was making some good progress.  Now I feel like I need him again or like he needs me again and I miss him again.

Maybe this is why I'm pushing the flirting a little too hard with K and HistoryBoy.  I don't even really know if I like HistoryBoy.  And well, I know how I feel about K most of the time.  He's one of my best friends though and things get really complicated when we acknowledge any type of feeling for each other.

I was on the phone with K last night. Then HistoryBoy called and I should have just hit ignore and talked to K, but I hadn't heard from HB in so long, and it was really late so I figured why not flash over quickly?  Anyway, not the best idea.  HB was in hardcore flirt mode and I just figured, why not just play along at this point?  Problem arises when I told K I'd be right back and then I talked to HB for almost 25 minutes.  I tried to call K back but he didn't answer, so I texted him and again no answer.  Maybe he was driving?  I'll have to throw out a text later and see if he bites.  I hate it when he's mad at me.

I have to leave for work in an hour.  We're having a sidewalk sale and its raining outside.  This should be really fun.

On the brightside, JLo is coming to KY with us!  Yay!  I'll at least have that to look forward to, I really miss her.  I need to pack.

When I get home from KY, I have to finish "operation go through everything" and make my room inhabitable.  And I want to start compiling things that I need for school in the fall.  A place to put new things, more or less, like the socks I bought.  And to take inventory of what I need.  I promised myself not to buy anything for the month of July.  Hopefully I'll stick to that.  In August then I'll have a lot of money to spend on books for school, new clothes and other things that I may need for back to school. (most espeically a new tall drawer bin because I really need to have an organized storage system.

I have my textbook for theology next semester and I am really looking forward to the class.  I think that Dr. T will be great and this is mostly a course about Women of faith!  I'm really psyched.

I got a 10 out of 10 on my philosophy paper and I started researching the one that is due next week.  I met a woman in my math class who is also taking philosophy online with the same guy and she's really struggling.  I agreed to help her bounce ideas and get caught up with the paper writing.  Ugh.  I really am not a fan of philosophy, but this stuff is really interesting for the next paper.  Its about ethics and political and social philosophy.  I'm especially excited because we're getting into some feminist philosophy and although I am not a true feminist, I still find it all very interesting!

I think I may enter one of the LDWS contests around here for Harry Potter some time soon.  It would be nice to work on my creative abilities.  I just need to find the right ship to write. :)

My knee hurts, I'm not entirely sure what I did to it, but is just hurts a little bit.

Also, I really have to study this weekend.  I have a biology test on Tuesday, and I anticipate it being very difficult.  I also have a math test, but that one is not worrying me too much.  It's logic for my dummy math class so its really not a big deal at all.
 

"She is my sister and therefore one half of me." - The Other Boleyn Girl (film)

Hello, I am colormeeggshell, and I am a good person. Let's just start there.

You may tell me all that you want that I am a failure or a disappointment, or that I am unforgiving and selfish. These are all lies and I refuse from this point on to allow them to hurt me anymore.

My last relationship failed, yes. It failed because no matter how much you love some one, if they don't love you back and put you before themselves, just as you put them ahead of you, it is unbalanced and you will end up hurting, a lot. I gave it everything I had to the point that it was beginning to really wear down on me, and the friends who have stuck by me through it all know all of this already. I didn't just give up, and I didn't do anything with the intent to hurt anyone.

I am also, not a disappointment of a person. I have always been me and have never claimed to be anything other than what I am. I didn't lie to anyone and I don't look for drama, contrary to what everyone may think. I don't have a ton of friends to hang out with all of the time, because I enjoy quiet, intimate friendships with a few good people, over wild, crazy parties with people I don't really know or trust.

The friends that I do have, I would die for. And I'm not just saying that to be cliché. I am admittedly horrible at keeping contact with people, and often don't have confidence in my ability to throw a successful get together anymore, but for those of whom I count among my friends, past and present, you should know that I would be there at the drop of a hat, if you needed me.

Anyone who calls me unforgiving, really doesn't know me well. And anyone who dares to call me that who I have given second, third and even fourth chances to, shame on you. Everyone has a breaking point where they can't forgive anymore, where they may forgive but the trust is irreversibly destroyed. I have a higher tolerance than many people for betrayal and pain, but I am only human and there is only so much abuse a person can take before they can't just say "It's okay" anymore. If you have managed to hurt me that badly and to push me to that point, then maybe YOU should examine your conscience and stop telling me that I am a bad person for not bringing myself to the point where once we were again.

And to anyone who tells me that I am too selfish for what I did, back off, because you don't know the whole story. Anyone who wants to say that I am selfish for wanting to be involved in a meaningful, loving, equal relationship, go for it. I am sick of having to sit idly by and listen to people talk about me and my situation. You don't know anything. So stop acting like you have me pegged, and grow up.

After this whole experience I have found that I would much rather be left in peace with a few cats than to put myself through any of this again. And I would appreciate it if you would all back off and just leave me in peace. I am hurting and I need time to recover. If you don't get that, if you are just going to try to tell me that I am a bad person for whatever reason, or that I deserve to be hurting, even more so than I am now, then don't bother contacting me, because I don't need or want people in my life who are going to try to bring me down and hurt me.

I am not a bad person. And I am sick of being treated like and told that I am one. Either give me the chance, or leave me alone, because I am tired of my "reputation" that is also false, if I may add, causing me grief and pain here. I want to move on with my life, if you want to move on with me, then you're welcome to, otherwise, let me go.

June 28, 2009

1. Scorpio (10/23-11/21)

   An introverted mood on your part may be clashing with the fun going on all around you, and this could leave you feeling a little bit lonely. Embrace the spirit of this fabulous weather -- force yourself to attend that barbecue or join family and friends at someone's home. Be patient with yourself, too; you definitely deserve some TLC, and if you treat yourself right, you'll feel much better.

Yeah, so this freakily describes how I'm feeling right now about today...

F keeps randomly texting me to just let me know that he's out and having a great time.  And you know what, it does hurt.  I don't want him to bother me anymore.  It's like a knife to the heart when he reminds me about how much he isn't missing me being around.  I am so sick of it.

Historyboy doesn't really give a shit about me either.  He pretty much just sees me as a piece of ass and someone to rant to about his ex.  Thanks.  He doesn't really want to be my friend, as evidenced by the fact that he doesn't ever ask how my day was or what was on my mind.  I'm so sick of men!

K is confusing as usual.  I just want him to leave me alone, too.

MyMegan is cold to me and idk why. 

I hate the men in my life.  Why can't everyone just leave me well enough alone and give me time to lick my wounds and recover?  Is it too much to ask that I be given time and space?

Last night, I tossed and turned for hours and when I shifted to get comfortable, I smelled F...and I heard him singing that song from Gossip Girl, "everytime you walk away, run away you take a piece of me with you there" and it killed me.  It hurt so bad!  Why can't he just get out of my head?

I am in a horrendous mood.  F makes me so angry. 

So does philosophy.  I just don't get it, period.  K tried to explain it to me last night but it wasn't very helpful.

I just don't know how I'm supposed to get a 4-6 page paper out of nothing...and I seriously am expecting to get this done today and the one for next week too?  What the heck?

I hate school in the summer.

I've decided that I really need to organize my finances.  I almost bounced a check today.  Hopefully I didn't.  

The plan for the rest of the day...

- finish philo paper that was due on Tuesday and submit it.
- start philo paper that is due next Tuesday
- do bio terms assingmnet
- finish math homework
- type out and e-mail foreign language club stuff to MyMegan
- finish my sister's sock monkey

I had a whole long entry typed out and then my computer went batty on me and I don't have the time or desire to try and retype everything...

DAMMIT  Not in the mood

I feel sick for not having a response from F.  I'm being stupid, I know.  I feel like I should say something else.  I don't know why.  I hate my life.  I miss him.  I miss being held by him and I miss being with him.

This is bad.  I don't want to go to work in an hour.  I'm in no mood at all.

F texted me five times today.  He says he's worried that he hasn't heard from me lately.  I probably shouldn't have, at least not according to JLo, but I sent him a text back telling him I was okay, saying I was sorry for not replying sooner and that I've been really busy.

This is really hard.  JLo says that she'd be willing to go with me to the VRC when she comes home from Ohio, but idk about that.  It was a big enough step talking about it here with the community where no one knows me, and the idea of taking it a step further is a little bit scary for me.  I don't want to lose my anomynity. 

I have work in about three hours.  Yay...not really. 

I got a facebook message from a new person, CheerGirl today,  she is going to be mine and MyMegan's roommate next year.  Apparently FarmGirl lost her funding and can't come back to school next year.  It would have been really nice if she had let us know, or even if Res Life had let us know ahead of time.  When MyMegan gets back from Peru, its going to be interesting to see what she thinks of this new development.  CheerGirl actually sounds really nice though, so maybe things will work out okay... We'll have to see...

JLo would be upset with me if she knew I responded to F's message.  That was probably a very bad idea.  Maybe I'm crazy anyway... I've been thinking that lately...what if things aren't and weren't as bad as I think they were.  Some days I wonder if I dreamed it all up, which makes me sound terrible.  He can be decent and considerate and sweet and I do still love him, and it makes me wonder what is wrong with me...JLo says I have to break the addiction and I'll be okay...that i'm so used to feeling bad and depending on him that I don't know how to be okay without him yet.  I don't feel safe being out where I may see him, but I don't feel safe not being around him either...its so confusing and it hurts to think about.  I hope he doesn't hate me, but JLo says it doesn't matter, that he wants me to feel bad more than he actually feels bad and will play off of that to make me come back.  I don't know what to think or do.

My sister and I went strawberry picking with my FairyGodmother today.  I missed her, but we now have over twenty pounds of strawberries and I don't know what to do with all of them...oh boy.

HistoryBoy said he was going to call last night.  He didn't.  I'm not really surprised.  I'm not even disappointed really.  I was a little worried that maybe something happened to him at first, but I'm sure he's just fine and I'm being paranoid.  What else is new, right?

Haven't heard from F in almost three days.  I'm really pumped about this.

Went to the doctor's today to meet the woman who will hopefully be my new physician.  I don't know how I feel about her, she seems nice enough but I generally don't trust doctors much these days.  

I made Blondie brownies today.  I was really excited, they came out great and they taste sooo good its not even funny.  I have to make them again, they were in my pink Better Homes Cookbook.  I also squeezed my own orange juice.  Its really good too.

Tomorrow I think sister and I are going strawberry picking.  I'm really excited to go.  I have always wanted to but have never had the time or means of going.  

I'm almost finished with Tuesday's (this past Tuesday's) philosophy assignment.  I want to finish it soon, but I have two more paragraphs or so to write, then I have to write another paper for next Tuesday.

HistoryBoy called me last night.  It was a nice conversation.  He's really flirty though, sometimes a little over the top and it makes me a little uncomfortable.  I'm still getting used to the idea of being worthwhile, so I don't really think he's serious when he's flirting with me.  And when he gets really horny and makes sex comments that creep me out, I'm trying to learn to speak up about it and not just take it.  One bad guy after another has really screwed me in the self confidence area. 

I'm getting really bored with this paper.

I talked to K a little bit last night too.  He really seemed decent.  Talking to him makes me feel weird sometimes, like I shouldn't be.  I fell asleep last night thinking about cuddling with him.  I thought I should try to cleanse my thoughts of F, and that thinking of being held and comforted (in a completely platonic way) was safe.  I slept okay, too which is nice.

The BKDinosaur called me too.  He was a little off.  He wanted to hang out today too, but I"m not up to seeing anyone anymore.  Hopefully I'll get out of this house soon, but I'm just not ready yet.  

HistoryBoy isn't pushing to physically hang out yet, which is good.  I'm not ready yet.  I want to stay here for as long as possible.  He called me again today just to chat for a few minutes and said he was going to call me tonight too...I don't know why he's calling, I don't have much to say and he doesn't usually talk much, just makes flirty and perverted comments and then asks me to send him a picture.  He knows what I look like already, I don't get why he needs a picture.  BKDinosaur is jealous, and says that he wants it for perverted reasons, he's proabably right...are all men like that?  Does anyone actually want to talk to a woman for a reason that doesn't have anything to do with getting laid?

I'm really frustrated.  I may seriously never leave my house again.  I'm safe here.  Well, aside from work and class of course.  I'm safer here.  I like being safe.  With my family nothing can get me and no one can hurt me, just as long as I stay here.

I'm glad I have this journal...it helps me to hide and I like hiding.  It feels so safe.  As long as I don't think about things or about leaving and going out there again, I don't feel so bad.  Its almost like I can handle it.

I haven't heard from F in over 24 hours.  I wonder if that's a good thing?  I know I shouldn't be speaking to him and that I shouldn't want to speak to him.  He is really bad for me and I know it.  I need to be strong and not bother him.

I called HistoryBoy on MB's suggestion last night.  I have been meaning to call him, but I finally got the courage to do so yesterday.  He was on his way out, but he answered with a "Hey beautiful" and we talked for almost twenty minutes before he had to go.  He promised to call me this afternoon to work out plans to hang out sometime soon.  I really don't know if I'm ready to be hanging out in that capacity again, the last time I tried was with K and F and they both ended very, very badly.  So yeah, I don't even know if we'd be hanging out in that capacity.  I'm just over thinking things.  We are just two friends who are going to get together to hang out sometime soon.  That is all, nothing major.  I have no reason to be so nervous.  

I talked to K last night, too.  He's been good about not bringing up flirty things on the phone anymore, which is really good because I don't know if I'm fully over him and everything that happened between us.  Its weird...the recent fling with F was more or less an attempt to get over K...he was like a rebound or something...idk.  I just don't know how I feel about K anymore.  It's hard to be his friend knowing that he sees me as a disappointment.  I wasn't good enough for him...I wasn't what he thought I was and it hurts a little.  I don't want to keep getting hurt by jerk guys.

That's why I have to go out and hang out with HistoryBoy tonight.  I really need to get my ass in gear and DO something for once, not just sit around in my house and mope.  Ready or not, I have to get back out there again, or I'm just going to fall into the trap of F.  I don't need to be looking for anything serious, I just need to be willing to put myself out there again, to get to meet new people and try to have fun and do new things.  Its scary but I have to be up for it.  No more calling F.  Seriously.

Just got in from work a little while ago.  Stopped at TB to feed the sibs...

I have another philosophy paper to write and a bio extra credit paper due as well.  I should also study for my bio quiz tonight, shouldn't I?

Ugh.

Short entry.  Mainly a reminder that I was to make sure that I keep up to date with postings on an awesome story I found on here on LJ, After the Flaw: Oligarchy.  Its sooooo good!  Everything is really well written and the characters are great.

I helped the sister with a few things for college planning and searching.  I also need to reorder the sheet set I wanted from Delias and figure out why it wouldn't go through for me last time. :(